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All reviews - Movies (20)

Body of Evidence review

Posted : 2 years, 4 months ago on 13 June 2015 01:46 (A review of Body of Evidence)

Another bad Madonna movie alert! This film was one of many erotic thrillers ("Sliver", "Color of Night", "Jade" etc) that came out following the success of "Basic Instinct" the year before but unfortunately, Willem Dafoe was no Michael Douglas and Madonna is definitely no Sharon Stone in that matter. Everything in it was an unintentional laugh riot from the sex scenes, the dialogue, the acting, you name it. Dafoe, Joe Mantegna, Anne Archer, Julianne Moore and Jurgen Prochnow really should've known better when Madonna was one of your co-stars, and the Material Girl herself once again falls flat with her performance while none of the sex scenes feel sexy, it comes off as unintentionally awkward. If you want to go for a good laugh, this movie will do but otherwise, it's best that you just steer clear and watch "Basic Instinct" instead.


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Deadfall review

Posted : 2 years, 6 months ago on 19 April 2015 05:26 (A review of Deadfall)

What a terrible crime thriller this was. Everything about "Deadfall" doesn't make any sense as you can't tell who is conning who or whatnot. The direction was incompetent, the writing was piss-poor, and the acting was not very good despite the fact that you had a couple of decent actors in there (Michael Biehn, Nicolas Cage, James Coburn, Peter Fonda, Charlie Sheen). Of course, we got to talk about Nicolas Cage because this is one of his most craziest performances out there, ranging from the way he speaks, his wig, sunglasses etc. He made it worth watching until he dies at the end of the first hour, where the film continues to fall apart. Other than Cage, there's nothing else I can recommend about "Deadfall" and it's best that you just watch clips of Cage from this movie acting way over the top instead.


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Mac and Me review

Posted : 2 years, 6 months ago on 30 March 2015 12:17 (A review of Mac and Me)

Nothing more than a poor "E.T." rip-off which was made six years too late. The acting, directing, writing and special effects are all pretty horrible. Plus, it basically does nothing but promote product placements for Coca-Cola, McDonald's and Skittles. Yet, everything about it is unintentionally funny. Everything ranges from the wheelchair kid falling out of a cliff and plunges into the water to customers and workers dancing at McDonald's for some very strange reason. The former scene has been parodied numerous times whenever Paul Rudd comes on Conan O'Brien to promote a film, and this clip has been played a lot. "Mac and Me" is awful in a nearly inept way and it's best that you don't watch it and see "E.T." again.


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Bucky Larson: Born To Be A Star review

Posted : 2 years, 7 months ago on 24 March 2015 04:58 (A review of Bucky Larson: Born To Be A Star)

We got another stinker from the Happy Madison gang! Nick Swardson was awful as the main character, a bucktoothed hick who decides to get into the porn industry after finding out that his parents used to be in the business. None of "Bucky Larson" is remotely funny, and a bunch of decent actors (Christina Ricci, Stephen Dorff, Don Johnson, Edward Herrmann, Kevin Nealon) were completely dragged down by letting Swardson take the reigns. This film clearly deserves a 0% on Rotten Tomatoes and quickly came and went from theaters within a span of two weeks. Don't watch "Bucky Larson" and watch "Boogie Nights" instead, as that is a much better and darker example about the porn business. Just skip it.


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Swept Away review

Posted : 2 years, 7 months ago on 22 March 2015 04:36 (A review of Swept Away)

"Swept Away" is clearly nothing more than a vanity project for Madonna in order to get her then-husband Guy Ritchie to direct her in a movie. While I haven't seen the 1974 original that it was based on, I can tell is a thousand times better than the film we got on the big screen. This feels muddled, the leads have zero chemistry together, and since it took in just under $600,000 (against its $10 million budget), this pretty much tells that Madonna's movie career is basically over. Sure, she's had a bunch of bad movie projects before that ("Shanghai Surprise", "Who's That Girl", "Bloodhounds of Broadway", "Body of Evidence", "The Next Best Thing) but "Swept Away" clearly takes the cake for being Madonna's worst film ever, and it's no wonder why she stopped acting after this disaster to continue what she does best: her music. And after that fiasco, she and Guy Ritchie would eventually divorce a few years later. It's best that everyone just don't watch "Swept Away", and listen to either Madonna's recordings or watch a better Guy Ritchie flick instead ("Snatch").


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The Island of Dr. Moreau review

Posted : 2 years, 7 months ago on 21 March 2015 02:16 (A review of The Island of Dr. Moreau)

Is this a crazy movie/production or what? When this was being made, the original director Richard Stanley got fired and was immediately replaced by John Frankenheimer. Next, Rob Morrow dropped out as the main hero until David Thewlis took his place. Then everything between Marlon Brando and Val Kilmer where you immediately must look it up on what kind of trouble these two created. As for the film itself, well "The Island of Dr. Moreau" is so insanely awful that you got to check out to believe. Brando and Kilmer extremely chew up the scenery everytime they appear, whereas Thewlis and Fairuza Balk felt pretty bad about doing this one it looks like they didn't want to be there (in fact, Balk tried to flee the production, but was caught by the producers and ordered her to finish the movie). The makeup on the animal/human hybrids looked pretty decent, but that's pretty much it. Regardless, the whole thing is dumb and marked the beginning of the end in the careers of Frankenheimer (he later died in 2002), Brando (one of his last notable roles before his 2004 death) and Kilmer. "The Island of Dr. Moreau" is of course not worth a look and the behind-the-scenes stuff is way more interesting than the entire movie itself.


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From Justin to Kelly review

Posted : 2 years, 7 months ago on 16 March 2015 05:14 (A review of From Justin to Kelly)

From Justin to Kelly is no doubt considered to be one of the worst movies of all time. Clearly made to capitalize on the success of "American Idol", starring season 1 winner Kelly Clarkson and runner-up Justin Guarini, this movie fails as a musical, a romance, a spring break film, and an overall movie in general. Clarkson and Guarini have zero on-screen chemistry, the music and dance numbers were hideously awful, the writing, acting and direction was poor, and it's no wonder why Clarkson herself has admitted that the film is not very good, saying that she and Guarini were contractually obligated to do this film following the end of "American Idol"'s first season. Overall, avoid From Justin to Kelly like the plague, and just hear podcast episodes dedicated to it as well as video reviews picking that movie apart.


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The Bonfire of the Vanities review

Posted : 2 years, 7 months ago on 15 March 2015 06:14 (A review of The Bonfire of the Vanities)

What the heck was wrong with The Bonfire of the Vanities? To start with, everything about this flick doesn't feel right from the beginning to the casting of Tom Hanks as an unlikable Wall Street tycoon, as well as Bruce Willis as a journalist who was supposed to be British, plus the torturous production on how everything got made. Published by Tom Wolfe in 1987 and then turned into a major film in 1990, The Bonfire of the Vanities is an epically miscast, less sanitized adaptation that infamously bombed heavily at the box office and critics in general, marked the beginning of the end of some careers (Brian De Palma and Melanie Griffith), and spawned a best-selling book that details on why this film failed so hard called "The Devil's Candy". If you're a fan of De Palma, Hanks or Willis, The Bonfire of the Vanities will leave you feel empty and will get fans of Tom Wolfe's book all riled up on what the studio managed to do with the source material.


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Infamous for a Reason

Posted : 2 years, 7 months ago on 15 March 2015 01:29 (A review of North)

North marks the beginning of the end for Rob Reiner. From 1984-1992, he had a pretty huge run as a director (This is Spinal Tap, Stand by Me, The Princess Bride, When Harry Met Sally etc.) and everyone thought that this film would be another winner. Then it got bad reviews (most notably from Siskel and Ebert), it bombed hard at the box office, and has been a go-to punchline ever since. With that, what went wrong? Elijah Wood was a young rising star with him playing the title character, who decides to divorce his bickering parents (Jason Alexander and Julia Louis-Dreyfus) and find a new set of folks all over the world. You thought that might be simple, right? Nope. Once the plot kicks in, there is a bunch of offensive and unfunny jokes regarding racism, different cultures and poor puns. Plus Bruce Willis must have felt embarrassed by wearing a pink bunny outfit in his first scene. With Wood, Willis, Alexander and Dreyfus being the four main people in the story, along with a large group of talented actors involved in supporting roles like Jon Lovitz, Dan Aykroyd, Kathy Bates, John Ritter, Alan Arkin, Reba McEntire, Faith Ford and many others to count, how did they along with Reiner think that making North was such a good idea? Everything feels awkward and it's completely devoid of laughs. Following this debacle, Reiner bounced back briefly with The American President, but hasn't been exactly the same after that (The Story of Us, Alex and Emma, Rumor Has It, And So It Goes). North is completely infamous for a reason so while you're at it, watch either Siskel & Ebert's review of the film or the Nostalgia Critic's version of it, as they're more entertaining than that and stay far away from it at all costs.


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One Night Stand review

Posted : 4 years, 10 months ago on 26 November 2012 10:26 (A review of One Night Stand)

Wesley Snipes, Nastassja Kinski, Kyle MacLachlan, Ming-Na and Robert Downey, Jr. star in this disappointing followup to Mike Figgis's Oscar-winning hit "Leaving Las Vegas".

Snipes plays Max Carlyle, an L.A. photographer married with a wife Mimi (played by Ming-Na) and has two children with her, who is visiting New York meeting with his friend Charlie (Downey), who is suffering from AIDS. While out for a job meeting, he sees Karen (Kinski), a rocket scientist out for her meeting and the two become instantly attracted to each other, resulting in the titular one night stand.

A year has passed with Max and Mimi visiting Charlie, who is dying from the disease, and Charlie's brother Vernon (MacLachlan) is also there. Vernon also brings out his new wife, who happens to be Karen, resulting in some consequences for the two lovers.

The main result in this film is a convoluted and catastrophic mess of a story that could've furthered its main plot. Snipes and Kinski share little chemistry together as an on-screen couple, MacLachlan and Ming-Na barely did any favors playing their respective spouses and as for Downey, he did the best he could with his part, yet was not enough to salvage the film from drifting apart.

Joe Eszterhas was the original writer behind this film, but Figgis rewrote the entire script in order to make it his version of it and Eszterhas disassociated himself from the entire product. Following a string of well-received films early on including "Stormy Monday", "Internal Affairs" and of course "Leaving Las Vegas", Figgis's career went to a steep decline, resulting in some barely released films later on, including the awful suspense thriller "Cold Creek Manor". In the end, don't waste your time watching this mess.

Rating: 4 out of 10.


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